Introduction: The Beginning of My Grief Journey
In the summer before my seventh grade year, my dad (who had been diagnosed with cancer three years earlier) ended up in the hospital for a month. I’d been praying for his cancer to go away for a long time. When he was first diagnosed, I didn’t really know what cancer was, but I understood that there was a risk he could die from it.
I firmly believed he wouldn’t die just yet because I couldn’t imagine what life would be like without him. During the month he was in the hospital, I stacked up a long list of reasons why a miracle had to happen, interpreted every song, story, and dream I had as evidence that there would be a miracle, and believed that if I prayed hard enough and long enough and didn’t think about the other possibility, then God would heal my dad.
Each time someone suggested the possibility of his death, I mentally combatted it or spoke against it. I thought I was growing in faith as I eagerly planned the party we’d have when the doctors told my family the cancer was gone.
When my dad died at a hospice care center that fall, I was not mad at God, but I was shocked, something in me felt broken, and I was so confused on how I could’ve blatantly misinterpreted His voice that much.
On that first day, I felt more connected with my dad’s side of the family than I ever had before and clung to the only promise that gave me an immediate sense of comfort: my dad was in Heaven with his dad and now felt no pain. He hadn’t wanted to leave my mom, my sister, and I, but he hadn’t really left.
I addressed my diary entries to him and was determined to remember him. Everything touched me in those first few days; from quotes on teddy bears that I later found out were ours to keep, seeing the lovely hospice gardens my dad hadn’t gotten to, shopping for a dress with my grandmother, and simply being with my family.
Loneliness
Everyone was kind to me in their own ways. People went out of their way to support my family and I felt deeply loved by their kindness. It didn’t remove the longing for my dad or confusion about what things would be like now, but it did show me that God was still there for me and was calling people to show me that His love was somehow in this too.
As time passed, I became very lonely. Many people my age stopped talking to me (I took that as a sign that they didn’t care about me and thought I was weird. In reality, many of them just didn’t feel like they knew me very well, weren’t sure what to say, and thought I’d want to be left alone because they saw me as introverted.). I longed for people to understand that I was still a normal person even though my dad had died.
I felt like I couldn’t ever mention my dad because everyone would get silent and look for an excuse to leave the conversation whenever I did. He was an integral part of my life and someone I was frantically afraid I would forget, so that really upset me.
Over time I did find a Friend who would listen to my thoughts, sorrows, and longings no matter what - Jesus. As I grew to rely on His friendship more and more, He began to answer some of my heart’s deepest questions.
Listening to God
After my major mis-discernment, my mom gave me a book for Christmas called Discerning the Voice of God by Priscilla Shirer. At first, I didn’t understand how this was related. Didn’t I need a book on miracles to understand how they worked?
Over time, God taught me that I had covered up His truth - that my dad would be going to Heaven much sooner than I wanted - with my own ideas on what His Will ‘should’ be. He didn’t completely reveal this to me until five years had passed (yes, that was a bit frustrating). The lessons He began to teach me about what listening does and doesn’t mean will stick with me for the rest of my life.
It’s when something that is not our will happens that we will seek to know what God’s Will is. As painful as it is, my longing to understand God’s Will and disregard my own came out of my dad’s death.
Good did come out of his death, but ultimately I look forward to seeing him again in Heaven.
Heaven
Now that I know a lot of people who are in Heaven (my dad, a few family friends, and several close family members), I really love learning about where they are now, what they are doing, and looking forward to seeing them again. I’ve read several books on grief and Heaven in the past few years and didn’t expect to learn so much about how good God is from them.
He’s built us a beautiful Home to look forward to. I started paying more attention to Heaven because I was excited to see my dad again. As I’ve grown closer to God, I also began to look forward to seeing God in His full glory, being physically held by Him, feeling His love to the full extent it is because no temptation or sin will exist to try and distract me from it, and worshipping Him to a fuller extent than is possible now.
Every Moment Matters
After my dad’s death, our family reflected on all the memories we had made with him. In doing this, I realized how important it was to both intentionally make memories and remember the past because each moment of our lives is a gift from God and none are ever wasted. Some are missed, but in every moment something is happening that God will use.
Discerning what to do with each of our moments can be absolutely overwhelming sometimes. I’ve found it super difficult to figure out the balance between tasks and relationships, since both are gifts from God but can also be left uninvested in. Time with other people is important for the people you are with and for you. It’s the small interactions that touch lives.
My Heavenly Father
Now that both my earthly father (my dad) and my Heavenly Father (God) are in Heaven, it’s hard for me to battle the lies from the Enemy that I’m not good enough to be used by God, that this sin and that sin make me a terrible person, that I haven’t grown much in my faith or in my character at all, et cetra et cetra.
Twelve years with an amazing earthly father taught me a lot about how wonderful and valuable the best attributes of his personality are. I have distinct memories of his love for my mom, my sister, and I shining in little moments. I don’t have present experiences of an earthly father’s love to fall back on when I doubt God’s love for me, a fact that will always be sad, but I do have present experiences of my Heavenly Father’s love in my life to fall back on every day.
Like my earthly father, my Heavenly Father is calm, patient, perseverant, generous, one who loves beauty, one who loves to fix things that are broken, one who loves my mom, one who loves my sister, and one who loves me.
To quote my current favorite song:
‘The truth is I am my Father’s child
I make Him proud and I make Him smile
I’m made in the image of a perfect King
He looks at me and wouldn’t change a thing’
- ‘The Truth’ by Megan Woods
I know that my dad thought of me this way because of everything I have been told about who he was. My dad was not perfect, but his imperfect love for me helps me understand how much my perfect Father loves me.
Conclusion: Waiting with Confidence
I’ve never been a patient person, so waiting to see my dad again is hard, but as I’ve learned to wait on God’s timing, I’ve found strength in who I am in Christ and purpose in the tasks He’s set before me every day.
A card I received a week after my dad died said ‘Your Father is Always With You’. This is true for whoever you lost.
I have full confidence that my dad is with me, watching me seek God, often watching me fall, and then watching God give me the strength to stand and keep stepping out in faith. I know that as he watches, my dad is smiling in the presence of God.